Gears of Derby

I really hope that no one thinks that my decision to quit the team was easy. I cried and over thought the decision for months. Leaving your new best friends is never easy.
I didn’t leave for the other league! Actually, I’ve made no plans to join the new league in town, but I am going to meet them to keep my options open.
Even though I left I feel like I’ve been dumped.
Packing up my gear with watery eyes.

I have been back on the track for a few weeks and I am better. I am learning to take my misplaced aggression from work and use it on the track. Every time I leave practice I let out a big breath and realized how much it helped. I really wish I also felt this way about working out. I am more stable on my skates but there are some things that I am still lacking the confidence to complete. Since I am still in physical therapy for my knee, I have been skipping the practices that are heavy cardio. I always feel like I am pounding just a bit more than the Wed. and Thurs. practices. I have been making up this skate time with the Wreck Night skaters. It is an easier way for me to get some track time in with very little pressure. I love skating on Wednesday, I call it skills night. We usually spend an hour working on drill and scenarios that should improve our team work. Thursdays, there is a pace line and hitting drill then we scrimmage for about an hour and a half. To me its one of the best nights of the week. I will not be too excited to return to Mondays when I am the slowest on the track. I told myself that I was going to work on cardio at home but I still haven’t figured out an easy way to fit it in my schedule. 

I bought a workout game for the xBox kinect, I should be able to fit in twenty minutes here or there to get it all done. The end result will be me in shape. I am glad to be back on eight wheels. 

Being back is great! I am coming to accept that I am slower that some of my counterparts and that I may not bout until next year. Its just hard when co-workers and friends ask me when I will be skating and I have to explain that I am not ready yet and there are fifty other girls better than me. 

I currently in physical therapy. The staff members are understanding and seem very knowledgeable. I hope this helps with my various joint issues. 

My gear is in need of some TLC. I am talking about functionality and not beautification. 

• Wipe off wheels
• Re-lace
• Reapply tape
• Wash pads

I only managed to get one of the many things I needed to do off of my list. 

I have an issue with my current schedule and it is killing me, or could kill me. Here is my schedule….

• 5:30 Wakeup 
• 6:15 Leave for work
• 7:00 Work call
• 3:30 Quitting time
• 4:15 Get home, feed animals, and other domestic shit
• 7:00 Leave for practice
• 8:00 Practice 
• 10:10 Leave practice
• 10:30-:45 Get home, unpack smelly gear, and shower
• 11:15 In bed, move dog, stare at ceiling for about 30 mins, sleep, 
• Repeat 

This hectic schedule leaves me absolutely exhausted!! The sleep deprivation is causing me to fall asleep during my morning and afternoon commutes, in addition to putting me in a generally bitchy mood. I am not sure what to do, I need my job and I really enjoy skating. I used to read and occasionally watch television. I have had to give up most of my other hobbies or move them to the weekend. This is why I am having trouble keeping up with my three blogs. I am in need of a solution. 

Back from the doctor. I have been cleared to resume normal activity. Prescribed physical therapy for ITB syndrome and the other injury was cleared up with the cortisone shot. My knee is wobbly from wearing a brace for a month. So it should take me a month the get things sorted out. 

Now its time to play catch up!!! I am not going to practice tonight, giving myself the rest of the weekend. 

I was having a hard time adjusting to the roller girl life and determined that I needed a small break. I took a week off (I should have still worked out, but I didn’t). The day I went back I felt like a million bucks, I was genuinely glad to be there. If you need a mental health day, take one or two. Had a decent practice where I was the last one during every drill. I am still pretty slow. I also had to deal with rumors that I had quit. This is a brutal sport, physically and mentally. I am still here people. 

On scrimmage night I was designated jammer for the all stars. I had the best night ever. I wish this was what everyone saw during the fresh meat scrimmage instead of the horse on skates that I pretended to be. I scored on almost every jam! I managed to run on my skates and juke out some pretty awesome blockers. This did wonders for my ego. I hope to have many more nights like it. I signed up for the next roster. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There was one moment that I didn’t like. During one of the last jams, the other jammer got hit pretty hard and didn’t get up right away. I freaked out, stopped skating, and was promptly  yelled at by my teammates. They thought I stopped for the buzzer and that wasn’t the case. Trying to explain to them that I thought she was hurt, was useless. I understand it was a scrimmage and she was on the other team but THIS IS PRACTICE and she is my friend. Now that I think about it, I am not sure if I could just let a member of another team just lay there. I know I should skate until the whistle, I just can’t guarantee that it will happen. 

I am going to take a break for a while. I am not sure how long. 

I have been  hiding for a few weeks. I have MDD and there are some emotional waves even the pills can’t stop. I decided to play roller derby because I wanted to be strong and bad ass like the women I saw on the track instead of pretending to be.

When I made the team, I was really surprised. I am clumsy and awkward on my skates. I began by skating when ever I could without totally ignoring my husband. That was 4-5 times a week. It was hard, it is hard. At every practice someone would say “You are so much better than boot camp.” I was confused, does that mean “Nice job you can go in the right direction!” or “Come skate with the big girls.” I realize now that it is somewhere in the middle. There was a moment where I was just going to stop going to practice, I was done feeling like the cute kid on skates that everyone keeps around because she is fun to watch. I wanted to be a contender. After speaking with the head of the training committee, I understand that roller derby can make you feel like a superhero one minute and the fifth wheel the next. 

At the last Thursday practice, I skated so hard that I puked and I scored 10 points in a jam. I felt amazing. I skated better that night than I did in the Fresh Meat Scrimmage (at least that is what I thought). I hoped that I would make the initial roster for the next bout. I didn’t and I feel like I am killing myself all so I can set up the track for the real skaters. I cried for an hour. I tried to be happy for my friends that did make the roster and I cried some more. I am happy for them but I am more sad about me not making it. I only have four more chances this year. 

When we decide to lace up our skates no one tells us how hard this will all be on us emotionally.